today is a bad day, so must be a good day to blog (?)

sigh...
i feel like the worst boyfriend in the world because i can't make you feel any better than what you're feeling right now. Really, I don't care what I'm feeling, I just want to make you feel better. (And now you're playing the song.. hope it does better at making you feel better than i can right now) I don't know if you understand what I'm feeling and what I just want. I just want you to feel better, not feel lazy and crappy, and not feel like nothing is worth doing. I don't know what to say or even be able to say it right now. My sister is in the room. Does it matter? Does it matter if she hears me consoling you? or hear the tone of my voice, cracking, and sound like the whole world seems to be ending?
I want to be with you, and it's pressuring me enough to think that it seems like I'm leaving my family to be with you. But at the same time, I want to leave coz it's best for me, for my goals, for my sanity even. I can't do anything here (Toronto), nothing! I just sit at home wait for things to happen, and today it's a million times worse coz bad stuff is happening or happened today. 1. the fight with my mom over "nothing". - It started over when she asks about a new puzzle i brought home from the hospital that they were giving away for free. She asked in Vietnamese 'did your sister buy this?', which i took to be an accusation of buying thiftless things for nothing. So I reacted that way, and said in a somewhat forceful way " no, it was free, I brought it home from the hospital." She then got all upset over how she didn't even mean it that way. Then we yelled and argued, about I have no idea! We were just both upset. I couldn't understand what she was saying. And yeah. It was bad, I felt like a dumbass son.
2. my Jenica, you're all depressed today. You feel like doing nothing. I don't know what to say to make it help or feel better. I dont know what to say, and also what I can say without hinting at my sister that you're all depressed. Is that right, is that wrong? I know you're sensitive about who should know about your emotional state, your feelings. I really don't know. I want to hear your happy voice. I shudder when I hear the lazy, sleepy-sounding voice, coz it usually indicates to me something is wrong, you're depressed, or you're thinking about stuff thats making you get depresed or upset. And you know what? I really don't ever know what to do that's enough to make you feel better. I remember you always say after-the-fact, you did help. But, really, I wonder if it helps. If I know what I'm doing with you, whether I'm making it worse by doing nothing, or doing something, or making it better.
So, I feel like I don't want to be here. I want to be in Kingston, or more like, I want to be doing something. Remember when I talked about being stir-crazy. Well without saying it, that's what I am feeling. I'm frustrated (I think I've said a couple of times now) and upset. Two simple words, but in my speech patterns, simple words mean a billion times more than a complex explanation.

...When I say simple things, it's probably a blanket phrase or term for a thousand thoughts and sentiments. When I go and explain something in depth, at every angle, and every possible thing I can think of, then that is everything I'm thinking put into words...

take this as a general rule, coz it likely will apply to alot of what I say. It's the way I think. And unfortunately, it's also a bad habit. I'm cryptic. I like to be cryptic. Actually if you read the chapter on Owl (from Winnie the Pooh) and his psychological demeanor, it's almost an exact case study of this.

So, I'm Frustrated. It goes to every corner of my body I'm frustrated. frustration is oozing out every ounce of myself. It could even be an onomonopeia, or that thing where a word describes itself. Frustration.

So today is a bad day...